Home / 2017 / Understanding “Woke,” Internet-speak, And How To Succeed In Making 12-year Olds Cry
Understanding "Woke," internet-speak, and how to succeed in making 12-year olds cry.

Understanding “Woke,” Internet-speak, And How To Succeed In Making 12-year Olds Cry

On my 5th birthday, my Father took me on his knee, looked me directly in the eye and said,

“Son, you are one hell of a prenatal screwup. SMDH.”

It wasn’t until years later, with the advent of urban dictionary, that I found out what the slang-speaking, acronym using drunk actually meant.

Understanding "Woke," internet-speak, and how to succeed in making 12-year olds cry.
As a child, whenever I was sent to the time-out, no-dinner, shame-darkness cupboard, I would take two burger rings, pretend they were married, gain their trust, and then eat one of them whilst making the other watch to assert dominance and cement my position at the top of the social hierarchy.

But by then it didn’t matter, he had already left me in the middle of a forest after telling me we were going to Disneyland.

Understanding "Woke," internet-speak, and how to succeed in making 12-year olds cry.
Disney; a park of plastic trees, over-priced hot-dogs, and a symbol of my eternal, soul-destroying sadness (all I ever wanted was to be loved).

These days, due, in part, to underlying abandonment issues no amount of daytime water-bottle vodka can solve, I always stay up to date with the trendiest internet slang. This week, I’m here to share with you my favourite new word. Woke.

Understanding "Woke," internet-speak, and how to succeed in making 12-year olds cry.
Water-bottle vodka. Inconspicuous, effective, easy.

Woke is a term used to describe an individual who has realised (or, woken up to) a subjective truth that they now consider to be universal.

For example, the term was once employed by my degenerate friend Joey to describe his half-brother Cameron D. Lint the 3rd after he proclaimed loudly at one of their family brunches,

“Dude, you’re totally right. The water is turning the frogs gay.”

On a slightly different note, this brash statement caused their Grandmother Dorris to have a heart attack and die, thus, ironically, causing her to be very much not woke at the exact same moment Cameron D. Lint was just starting to wake up.

Understanding "Woke," internet-speak, and how to succeed in making 12-year olds cry.
In loving memory of Grandma Dorris, 1922-2013.

I urge strong caution to any of my readers who might come across this term in day-to-day life. It is of vital importance to remember that in this cold, uncaring universe, it is likely that there are no truths to be woke to, apart from the fact that one day you, and everyone you know and love, will die.

Until next time, happy internet travels.

Comments

comments

About Nicholas Antoniak

Nicholas receives his creative inspiration from spirit-sessions, which involve locking himself in a small, white room for 72-hours with nothing but a crayon and a newspaper pirate hat. He wishes one day, apart from being broke, to become a struggling artist who’s only recognised posthumously, as to preserve the authenticity of his work.

Check Also

Review: Drake @ Qudos Bank Arena

Review: Drake @ Qudos Bank Arena

Buying tickets to see Drake was a very last minute decision. Not because I didn’t …