On my 5th birthday, my Father took me on his knee, looked me directly in the eye and said,
“Son, you are one hell of a prenatal screwup. SMDH.”
It wasn’t until years later, with the advent of urban dictionary, that I found out what the slang-speaking, acronym using drunk actually meant.
But by then it didn’t matter, he had already left me in the middle of a forest after telling me we were going to Disneyland.
These days, due, in part, to underlying abandonment issues no amount of daytime water-bottle vodka can solve, I always stay up to date with the trendiest internet slang. This week, I’m here to share with you my favourite new word. Woke.
Woke is a term used to describe an individual who has realised (or, woken up to) a subjective truth that they now consider to be universal.
For example, the term was once employed by my degenerate friend Joey to describe his half-brother Cameron D. Lint the 3rd after he proclaimed loudly at one of their family brunches,
“Dude, you’re totally right. The water is turning the frogs gay.”
On a slightly different note, this brash statement caused their Grandmother Dorris to have a heart attack and die, thus, ironically, causing her to be very much not woke at the exact same moment Cameron D. Lint was just starting to wake up.
I urge strong caution to any of my readers who might come across this term in day-to-day life. It is of vital importance to remember that in this cold, uncaring universe, it is likely that there are no truths to be woke to, apart from the fact that one day you, and everyone you know and love, will die.
Until next time, happy internet travels.