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Students Shat On By The System And Seagulls

Students Shat On By Seagulls And The System

As if it wasn’t enough that the government pins uni students on the ground to squeeze girthy cables of debt and a dysfunctional housing market all over their chests on a daily basis, an unidentified perpetrator fed the seagulls at Central Station laxatives.

The ensuing chemical reaction between avian life and additives resulted in a rain of white fire bombarding the line of UNSW students waiting for the 891 bus, yesterday.

The world has not witnessed such a savage aerial assault of Hell-fire, since Vietnam.

“My grandfather fought in three separate wars,” says Hayden Reed, 23, art theory student and victim, “I wonder if he faced atrocities on par with what I went experienced.”

“I really picked the wrong time to yawn,” comments Kit Allen, 23, law student and victim.

“Sure, it was pretty bad,” says Gillian Deng, 22, engineering student and victim, “But being in my twenties, ethnic, and from a lower-middle class family in Australia… you kind of get used to being shat on.”

Emergency response units were quick to arrive on the scene. The relevant authorities have since officially extended their support of rehabilitative services through forms of counselling and ad-hoc community outreach channels.

“We are prepared to aid those affected by these tragic events,” comments Gregory O’Neil, spokesperson of NSW Health, “As for being shat on by a faltering economy, bleak job prospects, and zero housing… You’re on your own.”

“Every time I see a flock of birds, I can still hear Ride of the Valkyries, says Reed, “I’d be more upset, but let’s face it. There are bigger issues ready to unload on my face.”

Blitz has contacted the NSW Police Force for a comment on their investigation into the identity of the perpetrator.

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