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Southern Hospitality

Hospitality sucks. It just does.

Let us brood in the pain together as I remind you of the painful realities of slaving away in the hospitality industry.


Hospitality is 10% service and 90% trying to look busy.

In the fits of such a customer rush it seems as though there is no end in sight, the people, orders and demands just keep coming and coming and coming, like a back alley bukkake session. Then once you finally get reprieve you have to clean the debris so that you can start all over again.

Southern Hospitality


Hospitality workers do not have feelings, opinions or desires; just a big ole’ serial killer tie-you-up-and-have-tea-parties-with-my-dolls smile. Both customers and employees know the interaction is in no way genuine but both still expect a wholehearted “HI! How are you :)”.

A momentary slip means you’re attacked with a barrage of questions “Why aren’t you smiling” “life’s not that bad” “you have such a fun job”. Okay, maybe, just maybe, I’ve been working for eight hours straight with no break, waiting on your pretentious and self-indulged requests and your overly upbeat attempts to brighten my day only make me DETEST your very existence. Just a possibility.

Southern Hospitality


As acknowledged by modern philosopher Kim Kardashian, smiling gives you wrinkles. This coupled with the constant soaking, cutting and battering of one’s hands in hospitality means we have a life of saggy skin to look forward to.

Southern Hospitality


As if smiling wasn’t enough,  you’re also expected to laugh ON CUE for every.single.lame.ass.joke spat out to you. It doesn’t matter that the regular customer has bellowed this one-line joke at you every single hour of every single day of every single year, it’s still absolutely HILARIOUS. This is especially true is the joke is a crude sexual advance, lol.


“Hmmm I don’t know, what would you recommend”. *Head explodes* There are 100 other customers clamouring to be served behind you and you don’t even have the courtesy to just look at the childishly comprehensible menu sitting RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE. I don’t have time to decide what you want, I don’t know what you like and you’re probably just going to complain anyway.

“Can I get 7 wet pussies” *giggles naughtily* Calm down you’re not 12, it tastes like children’s Panadol and I’m pretty sure you’ve already got one of those from the mega-douche lurking behind you paying for the drinks.

“There isn’t any vodka in this” Probably because you ordered a fucking Jim Beam and coke.

But the absolutely, positively worst thing about customers is when they talk, breathe, smile, frown and just exist. Like, could they fkn not. They are just ABOMINABLE.




About Joshua Hauville

Joshua Hauville

Mediocre at best, abominable at worst.

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