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How To: Help Your Snake Friends

Have you ever wondered what to do about a friend whose actions don’t quite match up with their words? Here’s a step by step guide to empathising with your snake friend’s problems. This manual is designed to target and resolve the ‘issues’ of three specific snake-like friends.

DISCLAIMER: Solutions are not guaranteed to transform your friend from a snake to a saint, although they may induce a bruised ego.

 

SNAKE FRIEND #1

The one who always disguises their bragging in the form of a complaint.

This is the type of friend that subtly leverages their achievements to either make you jealous or raise their status. They do it so undercover that it isn’t even wrapped in legitimate self praise, but rather presented as a “problem”.

SCENARIO:

They’ll say: When I go to clubs, girls immediately shimmy towards me and constantly try to brush against me, I get really creeped out! The other day Mimi commented on my display picture, it was such a cringe-worthy comment. I’m so embarrassed! She said, “Bro you’re so attractive!” Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so ruggedly handsome and rich, it’s a real burden. I just want to be average!

SOLUTION:

Proceed to chuckle and pause for a moment of honest contemplation. “We need to practice gratitude, and today we should be grateful for being big fish, in muddy sewerage.” Whip out your phone and show him photos of male supermodels and legitimate billionaires. In a deadpan manner say, “Well at least you’re not on their level. If you feel the pressure now, imagine the distress of true prodigies?” When he tries to retaliate, immediately read aloud the net-worth of Bill Gates: “89.1 billion.” Finally, raise your eyebrows and zoom in on an image of supermodel David Gandy’s abs and screech, “Use this as motivation, you’re not quite there yet love!”

 

SNAKE FRIEND #2

The one who lights up when you have a bad day.

This is the type of friend that seemingly perks up when you say your life is going downhill.  Yet when you announce that you scored an internship, they respond in a robotic tone and begrudgingly congratulate you. You’ll notice they swiftly change the topic to their own successes, without further inquiries about yours.

SCENARIO:

They’ll say: My life hasn’t been too good lately, how has your life been?

SOLUTION:

You’ll say, “It’s been fantastic actually! I scored an internship at Goldman Sachs and just found out I finished the semester with a High Distinction average. My boyfriend bought me a Lamborghini and I’ve hit almost $500,000 in my bank account!” Wink and keep up the chirpiness: “Not too shabby for a uni student hey!” Watch as they look stunned and hang their head in disappointment. That’s when you’ll put your hand on their shoulder, smile and pitifully say, “It’s okay, we all have to start somewhere.”

 

SNAKE FRIEND #3

The one who constantly stirs drama, at least 5 times a day.

This is the type of friend that hugs you in public but rolls their eyes and lights fire to your reputation in private. They also backbite others within your social circle. Be wary.

SCENARIO:

They’ll say: Edita recently did something horrendous to me. She stole a dollar from my wallet! That girl has absolutely no morals and disrespects everyone. It’s no wonder she got dumped by Mike.

The irony? She just posted on Edita’s Facebook Timeline saying, “Happy birthday beautiful girl, so grateful for your friendship, you’re my bff till the Earth collapses!”

SOLUTION:

Pull at your hair and appear puzzled. Circle them twice. Inspect their face closely. Chant repeatedly, “Come out, come out!”, in a mysteriously seductive voice. When they appear startled, respond casually. “Oh sorry, I was trying to find your second face; the one that recently called Edita your bff.” When they try to speak up for themselves, turn your head around and whisper “I have a phobia of snakes.” Hiss goodbye and slither away.

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About Kristina Zhou

Kristina Zhou

Kristina is pursuing her PHD in professional shower singing, at the University of New South Wales. She strives to uncover the binary between mainstream media’s agenda setting and the neutral, unframed reality. In her spare time she enjoys rolling lint balls off her pants and french braiding her boyfriend’s beard. Her greatest heartbreak came when CBS cancelled the TV Show: 2 Broke Girls. Why? It was the perfect antidote to alleviating her distress, when pondering the meaning of life at 4AM.

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