This week on The Real Housewives of Sydney: Hypnosis, glitter bombs and ungrateful pigs round out the season.
First we’re whisked away to an undisclosed location where Athena the eXorcist Levendi is undertaking ‘hypnosis’. The entire scene gives the impression of a high school improv class, but we would expect nothing less from our token spiritual goddess. We are treated to a lot of Athena pretending to cry and her ‘hypnotist’ saying monotonic things like wow and yeah and uh huh, whilst halfheartedly reading a script Athena gave her beforehand.
In a regression to her past life, Athena discovers that Nicole’s past self stole Athena’s wife and child (who happened to be Lisa Oldfield). I legitimately cannot understand this whole thing. Now I know Athena is a little kooky, but how in the world can she think anyone would believe this outback stage production show?
SMILES AND STYLES
Matty is visiting her good friend and Housewife hopeful Christa Billich, who Matty says is as iconic as the harbour bridge; sure let’s go with that.
Christa reveals that her dog Charlie has been arranged to marry a pussy cat and wants Matty to be the maid of honour. Matty reacts appropriately.
Charlie’s past marriage apparently didn’t end well, on account of his tendency to “bite her pussy” as Christa delicately puts it. Christa has organised extensive catering for the animals at the wedding which she says will also be an event to support marriage equality; because marrying to different species of animals is the perfect way to make the simple people of Australia view gay marriage as normal.
Matty is intrigued, shocked and tickled pink. Speaking of, Christa proceeds to reveal that there is more to celebrate as she just got a new designer vagina, saying “it’s the smiling Mona Lisa down there”. Hang this woman in the Lourve.
Next Vicki and Mel duck into the Ivy for a couple of drinks. Vicki likes Mel because she’s a push over who reveals all the gossip drama free. Victoria somehow manages to stay awake through this scene, she’s a better woman than us.
BREAKFAST AT LEVENDI
Nicole, Lisa and Krissy are heading to Levendi jewellers for a decadent breakfast organised by the very humble Athena XCX Levendi.
Nicole tells us she doesn’t usually give second chances, well neither does Athena when you steal her wife you moll.
Upon arriving, Athena gifts the women a watch in an Oprah moment, in that she wants to appear generous whilst exploiting middle aged women for future success and making those who didn’t attend green with envy. Athena tells us she’s always willing to share Panos’ her money with friends.
After a spot of champagne and breakfast, the ladies begin trying on the various extremely expensive jewellery from the Levendi store, whilst I sit in my empty room munching on cereal pretending I was as glamorous as them.
In a very natural and uncontrived manner, the women all receive wrapped invitations to Christa’s animal wedding. The women are very excited, clearly completely unaware that this was happening. Athena discusses Christa and Charles’ ‘open arrangement’, to which Lisa puts more bluntly “apparently they’re into wife swapping shit” with Charles “shagging the arse off all his art subjects”. Krissy drops a key piece of info that apparently Matty has been one of these illustrious subjects, Athena and Lisa catch that tea pipping hot and are salivating at the mouth with such exciting gossip.
AERIAL OR ARIAL
Nicole is taking Krissy and Victoria to arial yoga to showcase how much more acrobatic she is, claiming she’s only a little competitive. Victoria is not so enthused, saying she’d rather go hard and sweat it out at the gym then “hang from the ceiling and do fuck all”; proving once again the trope that with age comes wisdom.
Nicole is wearing her newly gifted watch from Athena, making sure to wear it in the last scenes of shooting, like when a family member gives you an item of clothing you don’t like for Christmas but you wear it Christmas day to seem appreciative. Victoria isn’t impressed, calling them an old man’s watch. Nicole immediately gets defensive before Krissy distracts the two like an obnoxious child at a doctor’s waiting room, as she swings around the harness in a crazy contortion.
THE POOCH AND THE PUSS
The day of the long awaited animal wedding has arrived. On the air ride over we get deja vu to the premiere episode and I feel nostalgic to simpler times, when Victoria and Athena only hated each other based off preconceptions rather than actual interaction.
Athena and Lisa have Matty sandwiched, cornered and trapped. They immediately begin feeding her their horror of Krissy’s accusation that Matty slept with Charles Billich (none of which actually happened).
Vicki has once again pulled a no-show on the wedding, giving Lisa and Athena plenty of time to knock out some solid Victoria burns, including but not limited to “where’s sour face”, “take the broom out of arse but how would she fly” and an AthenaX original “why do we need one more bitch at this wedding, Victoria should just stay in her kennel”.
The wedding has begun and Athena isn’t impressed. The same woman that wore a fishing net cape, went atomic at her own art exhibition and just earlier did a botched fabrication of a hypnotic regression calls the event preposterous, ridiculous and bizarre, saying Christa must be very bored. Now Christa, you know you’re all kinds of fucked up when Athena eXercise is for losers Levendi accuses you of insanity.
Athena, unable to let anyone outshine her for ridiculousness, heckles the wedding from start to finish, ending each line with her trademark smug I-made-a-funny face.
Also, what in the hell is Krissy wearing, no, just no.
LAST TIME TO GET SOME AIRTIME DRAMA
The ladies have congregated in the wedding afterparty, which is packed with housewives, overdressed small pets and an array of Sydney drag-queens; a gay man’s heaven. Athena doesn’t take long to start in on Victoria saying “once a rude bitch always a rude bitch” before asking up at Krissy, that friendship lasted long.
Lisa once again brings up Krissy‘s ‘trashing’ of Matty regarding her relationship with Charles Billich. Matty realises this is her last minute to make an impression and lock in a season 2 contract, so she drops the carefree demeanour and fabulously overreacts to the other womens’ BS screaming to leave it alone.
The escalation of drama is paused when Vicki enters without a care in the world as Athena gives her a lovely greeting, calling her Judas.
Vicki saying she doesn’t like going to events because she’s just abused by Athena would hold true if this were real life. But this is Real Housewives, Victoria is hired for the very reason to just show up and be assaulted.
Athena, for the 800th time this season, remarks what an “horrible, despicable, poisonous, woman” Victoria is. The women get into a fairly tame squabble and Athena/Lisa regroup momentarily while the other women marvel at their craziness. Before they can regain their breath Athena pounces back in saying “I’m back” like Jack Nicholson in the Shinning.
The situation continues to escalate as Nicole watches on keeping her composure, completely unspoiled just watching the drama eagerly and Melissa fades into the background. Eventually, when Matty tells the other ladies to let it go, Lisa gives her a good ole’ shove which causes more pushing followed by Matty dousing Lisa in champagne, smashing her glass and storming out like the DIVA she is. Matty is officially the queen of the dramatic walk out, she should teach seminars on it.
As if all this wasn’t enough, when Victoria and Krissy label Athena drunk, Athena protests she NEVER DRINKS ALCOHOL and proves this by screaming that Victoria is a “bitter and twisted ugly old woman” (instagram profile right there) who can go fuck herself.
Athena proceeds to shower Krissy in a glitter bomb which she produces from her bag like Mary Poppins, potentially mistaking the hundreds of drag queens for Mardi gras attendees.
The season finishes how it began and really the only way life should be: Athena spinning like the exorcist, insulting everyone until they leave as Lisa stands on thoroughly entertained. We close out with an Athena-ism for the ages “you can give strawberries to pigs but they will never be appreciated“. Genius. Revolutionary. Fin.