This week on RHOS, Athena The Roman Symbol for the Number Ten Levendi turns up, turns on and turns out, with cameos by six other nobodies.
Donning a white power suit, Matty is off to prepare for her upcoming Persian New Year Party, which involves purchasing $1,000 caviar, edible gold flakes and $450 vinegar. Doesn’t top my splurging $3 on a box of cornflakes at Potts Point Coles.
As self-appointed ‘Queen of Double Bay’ (I’m for it) Matty declares “might as well eat it while you’re still alive”. Words to live by.
Athena has reached out to Nicole to discuss Nicole’s upcoming charity for which Athena has been appointed an organising member. Also, Athena just recently screamed at Nicole to f*ck off numerous times before frothing at the mouth while the producers tranquillised her off-screen.
Athena stands by her pot plant comment to Melissa, but she could do with some good ole’ pot to calm them nerves.
Athena says Nicole is righteous and sits on the fence waiting for someone to stuff up, well she doesn’t need to wait long for you, Darrrrrlinng.
Nicole, in a very Athena statement, proclaims “I am who I am”.
Athena applauds this revelation “good on you captain eyebrows”, followed by “Nicole why are you such a painsack? Be COOL man”. Solid burn by Athena. Nicole’s eyebrows are everything, they deserve ‘friends of the housewives’ status. The definition of a pain sack is beyond Nicole (and me) and it just sounds like a symptom of testicular cancer.
Nicole says “you insult people”. Athena very obviously proving Nicole wrong, tells her “f*ck the word insult, I can do what the f*ck I want at 40″ before labelling her a bore, an idiot and continuing with this Captain eyebrows: human pain sack storyline, potentially the newest Avenger.
Athena’s tirades when someone presents any form of potential criticism gives me all the life I need and a little bit extra for good measure. Give this woman a seminar on Conflict Resolution, pronto.
Nicole gracefully exits the bar, talking over Athena’s nonsensical babbling “Hope you have a lovely weekend, thank you, it was lovely seeing you”. You can take the tiara off the beauty queen, but never the beauty queen out of the girl.
Real question: do these women ever pay the bill before they dramatically storm out, or is the stormee relieved of payment on merit of leaving first?
VICTORIA REES, THIS IS YOUR LIFE
Next we’re whisked away to Melbourne (sadly not for a housewives crossover) and serious music plays, letting us know we’re in for some bullshit emotional scene.
Victoria and Krissy, dressed like 1980s soap stars, are meeting with an Online Investigator, which is apparently a real job and not just a name creepy old guys give getting their rocks off on Omegle.
In (hopefully) the last instalment of Victoria’s quest to find her father, this is Real Housewives not ancestry.com.
Vicki’s dad apparently couldn’t wrap his willy and has kids scattered around England, one of which has reached out to Victoria, who will hopefully make like Nicole and fly to Australia to be next season’s new housewife.
The investigator tells Victoria “The accident was too great for him to survive” as an amazing euphemism for death. “The assignment was to great for me to finish” will be the perfect excuse for not handing it in.
MAKEOVER’S WITH ATHENA X
For the second time this season Athena is holding a fashion intervention for another cast member and todays victim is the tragically corporate Lisa Oldfield.
Athena’s stylist Adriana is basically a shop assistant as Athena overrules her every decision to turn Lisa into a cape wearing mini-me.
Lisa labels the other women moll patrol, nice.
Athena tells Lisa that Nicole was/is/will continue to be the ABSOLUTE WORST. Lisa says Nicole has changed since London, becoming a wanker. Athena bellows that Nicole is “F*CKING BORING”, “insipid” and that she “saw her eyebrows before I saw her”. At this rate Nicole’s eyebrows are going to replace Melissa as the seventh housewife.
Once Athena finds something about you she doesn’t like, she milks it for all it’s worth, drinks that milk and then spits it in your face before screaming a slew of expletives and dressing you in a cape.
Over at an undisclosed location, Melissa watches Nicole have her face caressed like clay while they discuss the antics of Athena in need of a Xanax Levendi and her drunken sidekick.
Melissa, in her only meaningful contribution this season, says “Just because you own a crystal doesn’t make you spiritual”. Athena really does bring out the best reality tv in people.
In response to Athena calling her little miss perfect, Nicole says her life is perfect and why should she apologise for it. Preach it sista. (Please adopt me)
WHAT COMES AFTER PART B? PART AYYYYYYYYYYYY
Borderline stereotypical Persian music plays and we know the main course is being served, and I’m not referring to the caviar.
Athena’s outfit is fierce as always, but not as fierce as Peter the waiter who responds to Victoria saying “You’re fabulous” with “I know”, a snap of his fingers and a twirl. Get it Peter, let us live through your greatness.
Despite being pushed by Lisa and slandered by Athena, Matty is cool as a cucumber and is aiming to play peacemaker tonight with a bounty of food to stuff the women and shut them up. They (and by they I mean Matty) don’t call her Queen of Double Bay for nothing.
Nicole enters the party aiming to act ‘cordial’ (pronounced like the cottee’s kind) with Athena, asking “Have you calmed down yet?”.
The women start slurping up caviar like a bunch of river trout and when Athena takes umbrage with their excessive consumption the ‘moll patrol’ aren’t taking it, clearly coming prepared to fight this bitch to the ground.
Krissy tells Athena that she loved her art, walking in to the artshow with an open mind even though she’d heard “your art was really average and boring and that people throw it in the dumpster”. Which is a bitchslap of a backhanded compliment, solving the mystery of why Krissy’s friends bought Athena’s work, for some spare paper.
All of the women really go in on Athena. Nicole is especially worked up, as her season long internalised rage projectile spews out like the exorcist.
Athena tells Nicole to “talk to my six carat diamond you bitch” before Nicole screams “I have an 8 and a half”. Arguing over caviar and diamonds, #justhirlythings.
Nicole says Athena’s earrings are “S for SHUT UP”. Now hold up bitch. You can come for Athena’s livelihood, her poor execution of words, and even her excessive swearing, but don’t you EVER come for her fashion sense.
Victoria pipes in that the first time Athena called her fat when she first met her. “But you are” replies Athena confused as to why this was an issue.
Lisa speaks up after noticeable silence in her one night sobriety, and gives a seemingly genuine apology to Krissy, and apparently all is solved?
After more screaming Athena breaks down. She busts out a horrendous story of an abusive childhood and it’s the realest she’s ever seemed, so genuinely vulnerable and human. I just want to cradle her and never let her go, brushing her hair softly, singing a lullaby and telling her everything will be okay as we ride off into the lush horizon atop a majestic stallion.
Krissy decides this is the opportune moment to cry about Victoria’s dad’s death, because she’s ridiculous.
Athena leaves the table to cry in the bathroom to Lisa about always trying to be normal and fit in.
A sobering note to finish the night, as Matty probably wishes she hadn’t wasted all her caviar on these crazy bitches.
Next week: Victoria launches her new product (coming to a Priceline near you!) and Athena’s invitation snub causes Lisa to plot Revenge. Dun. Dun. Dunnnnnnn.