This week on the Real Housewives, the ladies vacationed in the Whitsundays, because they have already destroyed enough restaurants in Sydney.
We open to Nicole in the midst of packing for the #girlstrip with her favourite supporting cast members, her children. Packing is an arduous task, but luckily for Nicole she has two live-in slaves. She teaches her daughters, “about fabrics, the importance of hand washing a cashmere jumper, or washing a silk dress. They’re the things you need to teach your children.”
Nicole, you’re raising privileged Eastern Sydney girls, not sweatshop workers.
Nicole tries out her ridiculously colourful wardrobe, you’re going to the Whitsundays, not Mardi Gras. WHERE IS THE YUMMY MUMMY APRON?!?!?!
Nicole is like those girls who never quite grow out of their adolescence stage. The ones that love unicorns, wear their hair like it’s the first day of Year 2, and are always dressed in bright colours that scream “I’m a girly girl”. It’s kind of endearing.
Nicole lists where she got her wonderful garbs from, New York and Paris. In comparison, our lives suck because when we state our clothes are from, the Target at Eastgardens it just doesn’t sound quite as swanky.
Krissy immediately spots “a cute waiter”, of course she does – slobbering over any member of the male species she encounters, is slowly becoming her thing. She needs to cool it down, with all that heat and hair Chewwy won’t smell so good. In other news, Athena has pulled out some classic Athena-wear for the trip.
Nicole has decided once again to give Athena some real, rational advice on how to be more human. Nicole seems to forget that these women are not normal humans, but attention-seeking demons set on stardom at any and all costs.
Nicole tells Athena she doesn’t listen and asks if she knows the names of any of the other Housewives’ children. Nicole boasting her knowledge of Athena and her obscurely named children.
Athena does not take this act of hostility lightly.
“I’m not running a pre-school here to remember children’s names. And is that how she judges a human being, by their memory?”
“Oh you remember my children’s names, cause you’re so little miss perfect. You deserve a trophy. Woopdy-doo-dah.”
Nicole backs up their pep talk with an invitation for Athena to assist with her upcoming charity event. But Athena is not having it. Such audacious disregard from Nicole. A complete Monster.
The ladies finish with an awkward kiss that makes it all worth it.
The ladies all meet for dinner where Athena requests to swap her cheese dish for Matty’s salmon because “I said I’m vegan, but I don’t really like cheese”. Matty has decided to let her drama with Athena go because she’s a cracker and there’s no arguing with crazy.
Athena is 80% vegan for ethical reasons. “Then why are you wearing an ivory bracelet”, claps back Nicole. “Don’t you wear fur?” Victoria asks Nicole, always keen to get in a jab.
Athena is so over this conversation “I’ll get the f*cken bracelet and f*cken throw it away If it’s upsetting you so much, f*ck the bracelet, you think I give a shit about it? I don’t give a shit about anything. It’s just stuff. It’s making me tense, it’s f*cking freaking me out”. Athena clearly very unfazed. She doesn’t need this from you Nicole, kk?
Athena, proving how un-vegan she is, brags of a crocodile handbag from the Prince of Arabia, which raises more questions than it answers.
Changing the subject, Victoria shares the “Lisa wants a divorce” storyline extremely cavalier, as if it were a kitchen appliance Lisa was considering buying. Lisa gets defensive and it’s all very messy, uncomfortable, and sad.
When Lisa reveals her and her husband no longer sleep in the same bed, Krissy proclaims that intimacy and sleeping next to one another every night is imperative for marriage stability. Which is interesting, considering her husband LIVES IN SHANGHAI.
Matty is not letting Lisa’s depression/divorce/attention-seeking detract from her #girlstrip and she’s ready to whoop.it.up. Talk turns to Athena and her 10minute orgasms courtesy of her Greek God of a husband. Sign me up for some of that.
FUN IN THE SUN
After the ladies are allocated their rooms aboard their yacht, Matty shows us how she snores.
Matty, Nicole and Lisa are go snorkelling. Lisa, a well experienced snorkeller, promises to hold Matty’s hand before promptly swimming off leaving her abandoned at the shore.
As a lover of water sports, Krissbacca is surprisingly bad at paddle boarding. Luckily for Krissy, Victoria is there to coach her through, “bend your knees, loosen up your vagina and you’ll be good”. Somebody sign this woman up for a TEDtalk.
Melissa and Athena go for a walk and sit on the beach, because physical activity is exhausting y’all. Melissa miraculously finds a way to look more ridiculous than Athena. 10 points to Gryffindor. Melissa confides her confidence issues to Athena, feeling she can really trust her; foreshadowing.
Athena tells her not to worry, especially about Victoria calling her anorexic, subtle.
Sitting down for lunch, the women toast Victoria for her wonderful trip, but not before Athena can remind them all what they’re hired for: petty drama. Athena says Victoria is “the cow that gives the milk and then decides to poo in the milk”. Which translates to Athena is horrified that Victoria never personally escorted them to their rooms and gave them a mobile phone to summon “the little boat people”.
“Good to know” responds Victoria, giving a total of zero f*cks.
Lisa stomps up to the spread and articulately tells the ladies “I NEARLY F*CKEN DROWNED”. That’s what you get for not holding Matty’s hand, ya mole. David, at this very moment fired the employee he sent to off his wife. Lisa apparently got caught in a vicious current (in the calm, lake-like waters of the Whitsundays) and gave the international signal for help which is confusingly similar to the YMCA.
Lisa was thankfully saved by a “morbidly obese man on an inflatable swan”. Krissy calls BS and for once, I have to agree.
What’s the time Mr Wolf? DINNER TIME.
The ladies gather on the yacht for a lot of alcohol and not much food. Athena, dressed as the elephant that died for her ivory bracelet, has an announcement. “I want to tell you guys something”.
“Oh okay” responds Victoria without expression. Athena invites all the ladies to her art show. They’re excited with the opportunity to have new material to mock her for.
Lisa reveals it’s her wedding anniversary and bursts into tears, making things real awkward. Melissa hasn’t seen Lisa cry in her entire life, which probably has a lot to do with the fact that they’ve known each other for a couple of weeks.
Nicole being the boring, normal, rational woman that she is, gives Lisa advice to seek professional help instead of blubbering about it on reality TV, and offers her undying support. Nicole is such a gem. Give this woman a medal, a cookie and a new apron.
Lisa decides to go to bed and the ladies all get up to hug her, except Victoria who tells her “okay go to sleep”.
My absolute favourite thing about Victoria is how she regally perches herself at the head of the table making underhanded comments that ignite bickering. She sits back, sips on her wine, and watches the jesters entertain their master.
Can we just take a brief moment to acknowledge the developing phenomenon known as MATTY FACE. Is she shocked? Is she excited? Is she having a seizure? One can never quite tell.
Next week: Lisa jumps ship a day early and fights the other women at Athena’s art show. Then Athena goes atomic in what looks to be a delicious end to her art career.