This week on the Real Housewives of Sydney, the ladies dealt with the fallout of Matty and Athena Xymel Levendi’s battle; except for Krissy and Victoria who smartly avoided the drama following the mess of the first two episodes.
We open to Nicole delicately sifting flour over her homemade coconut bread, because of course she is. Nicole and Lisa are acting as arbitrators for Athena, trying to coax her into apologising to Matty for her botox remarks the week prior. However, Nicole fails on multiple fronts as everyone knows that the best recipe for housewives drama is no food, a lot of alcohol, and a good ole’ ambush.
Over on the Northern Beaches, Melissa is meeting with the screenwriter of her first feature length film, who seems no more competent in his job description than hers as a ‘relevant DJ’. Chris is here to show Melissa an exclusive sneak peek of Boar. It’s like Anaconda but with less J-Lo and more Aussie boganism/mutant pig. Mel tells us it’s only been seen by “3 or 4 people”, let’s hope it stays that way.
They watch a scene of Mel punching some man in the pub who touches her butt. Mel’s screenwriter has a real way with words, she tells us as he recounts, “You look savage as fuck mate” and “nuffin better than a blonde chick punching a fucker”.
This is the kind of conflict resolution Mel needs to bring to these Housewives hoo-rahs. When Matty pays a visit, she praises Boar’s innovative concept, yeah okay. The two ladies discuss Matty and Athena’s fight as well as Melissa’s washed up glory days thriving career, before Matty gives us a beautiful rendition of Read My Lips. We would if we could, Matty.
Next we’re taken to see Victoria and Krissy in Victoria’s apartment. Which poses the question DOES KRISSY LIVE IN VICTORIA’S APARTMENT? Is Krissy just constantly there drinking wine and bellowing her way into other people’s conversations? Forget Victoria’s basement, Sydney’s newest hot spot is Victoria’s apartment.
The ladies debuted some interesting new interview looks this episode that were… interesting. Listening to Victoria talk seriously about trying to find her lost father while wearing a drag rendition of the Night’s Watch brought up some conflicting feelings. Later on, Lisa gives us Mayan deity meets your Grandma’s musty lamp shade, in aluminium silver while talking about divorcing her husband.
Victoria calls the Private Investigator, who is sadly not Magnum P.I. Krissy immediately begins wailing and calls out to the PI on the phone to make her presence known, like your 5-year-old child screaming out from the back seat of the car when you’re talking to your friend about grandma’s funeral. THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU CHEWWY, SHUT UP.
Queen Victoria of Bondi, proving once again why she is far superior to this blubbering wookie, responds to Krissy’s tears with “don’t wipe your make up on my couch”.
Next, we accompany Athena xoxo gossip girl Levendi as she pitches her artworks to art dealer Tim Olsen. Athena tells an overly critical Tim that it would be “a huge loss for humanity to not see [her] work” and she’s not wrong. The people need to be alerted. The time is now. The world must witness her greatness.
Athena professes that her work is at least 100 years ahead of its time. And you may laugh at her now, you may call her stupid, you might even call her crazy. But one bright February’s day in the Summer of 3017, it will be you, yes you, who the critics laugh at, when the deity Athena Xanadu Levendi’s work sits alone in the Sydney Art Gallery, dedicated as a Shrine to the 21st Century’s artistic revolutionary. The art dealer tells her he doesn’t have time to wait for that. But Athena, girl, I do. I have all the time in the world to wait for you. And like Mumford and Sons, I will.
Athena makes a bold statement, “If I don’t have the X Factor then I don’t know who has”, as Samantha Jade and Australia’s other eight ‘next big popstars’ sit in their dimly lit living rooms, staring jadedly at their televisions, wondering how an eastern suburbs housewife snatched the title they destroyed their lives for, in an attempt to win.
Next we’re whisked away to Oldfield Manor where Lisa gets waaaaaaayyyyyy too real as she and David passively aggressively attack one another over a family dinner. When I watch reality TV I expect cape throwing, wine tossing, snide digs, and dramatic side eye; not watching the disintegration of a marriage in front of cameras. *crickets*
Lisa’s father and niece give each other “how far away is the taxi” looks.
Nicole is going house hunting, with very specific requests, to escape her “gypsy lifestyle”. I don’t think gypsies live in Bellevue Hill mansions, Nicole.
Athena, celebrating St Patrick’s day a week early, takes us shopping ahead of her Greek themed (in case you forgot her roots) 41st birthday party.
Athena is not worried about other women because she’s always the best dressed in the room. Clearly she’s never been in a room with me. Athena’s birthday outfit is one of the fiercest jumpsuit/cape ensembles ever created, and this time Victoria will have to lug Athena overboard with her, because the cape is attached.
Melissa, thinking back to the countless times she sat trapped in her hairdresser’s chair having her ear chewed off by Athena’s spiritual babble, revels in the opportunity to take on Athena about her treatment of Matty. Melissa barks at Athena like a Chihuahua trying to have it’s voice heard among a pack of greyhounds. However, Athena gives Melissa a proper burn, eliciting a well deserved smug grimace.
Not feeling as though she’s aired enough dirty laundry on national television, Lisa interrupts the dinner to strangely pull Victoria (who she has yet to have any interaction with) aside and discuss intimate details of her failing family life. You know this is being filmed right? Victoria tells Lisa to run for the hills, giving her the details of her divorce lawyer, which must be super awkward for Lisa to watch back with David in their living room.
To finish off the night, all of Lisa’s troubles are eradicated as the women dance around Greek style at Athena’s feet. Krissy and Athena battle on the dancefloor/stool/table because Krissy will literally combust into dust and cease to exist if she does not receive constant attention.
Next week: Victoria surprisingly takes the women well over the Harbour Bridge to the Whitsundays where Lisa nearly drowns and David wishes she did.