Two episodes in and we’ve had plenty of fights, ridiculous family dynamics, top notch insults, a net throw, a dramatic storm out and the birth of AthenaX.
We open to Krissbacca and Vicki livin’ it up like Ja Rule, meeting over a bottle of wine – because day drinking for real housewives is like oxygen for normal people. Krissy also makes sure to bring some Jatz crackers because she’s a funny gal, lol.
The ladies discuss the dumpster fire that was Nicole’s ‘Welcome Home’ party and Vicki is unsure whether to invite Athena to her lunch next week. In the real world the answer would be a resounding no, but this is reality TV and it’s contractual.
In a soppy storyline Vicki plans to find her father, and we get a display of true emotion for Krissy, because Chewwy has feelings too guys.
Back in the city, Athena Dial X for Xenakis Levendi and Melissa go for a little shopping trip to gossip about the traumatic cape toss as well as an opportunity for Athena to spruce up Melissa’s style, because according to her she’s a little “stuck in her golden era of TV.” Ouch.
Melissa very politely and delicately tries to coach Athena on how to approach the situation with the other ladies. Mel tells her to quit being so sensitive, talk less about spirituality and essentially act like a normal human being. SHUT UP MEL. Let Athena live and spread her beautiful angel wings like she deserves.
Right on cue, Melissa receives a call from Vicki. Melissa listens to the call on speakerphone in which Victoria invites her to lunch with the other ladies, but is “unsure” about inviting Athena. Cut to Athena’s reaction. After an awkward pause Victoria would GLADLY invite her.
After graciously accepting Victoria’s offer, Athena asks the question on everyone’s mind: “If I don’t have oranges on me how can I give you orange juice?” Which is my new response to any customers who ask me for a vodka orange at work.
Next we’re treated to some insight into the ladies damaged home lives.
Lisa’s live in nanny, Denna (no this is not a typo from Donna or Jenna), is totally a part of the family, serving Lisa with a customer service feigned interest I know so well.
“Where are the kids?” Lisa asks, “I don’t know” replies Denna.
YOU’RE THE LIVE IN NANNY DENNA, ffs.
Later Lisa likens her ‘dickhead’ son to a little terrorist, and attempts small talk with her husband David that rivals the awkwardness of Victoria and Athena’s earlier telephone call.
Nicole, donning her ghastly apron which screams ‘aren’t I so cheeky’, is baking with her girls. Together they discuss the luck of their privilege and how their extra-curricular activities like fencing, sailing, horse riding, fluent French and baking are. For extra curricular activities at my school, we went to a run down aqua golf place, but hey, to each their own.
Krissy’s family, according to her, are like the Kardashian’s because they’re all nosy famewhores everyone’s in each other’s business and they’re trying to get their own spin-off.
The women all begin to arrive to Victoria’s lunch. Luckily for Matty she just froze her fat, so she can splurge on a couple more drinks. Nicole, seemingly can not get over the fact that she is back in Sydney, telling everyone how lucky she is every time she gets screen time, which is appropriate considering the women are dressed like the Qantas children.
Athena X-Men: First Class Levendi is giving us a vintage true vision in white. Athena most definitely went home in her dress, slowly took off her heels, felt the earth’s heat rising through her and lost herself in spiritual and uncoordinated rhythm to Florence and the Machine.
Victoria has gift boxes for all the women leaving all to question what’s in the box, in the box, what’s in the box today. Well today it’s all the essentials – alcohol, cosmetics and panties. “Always need a clean pair of knickers”, says Victoria, bodily functions just aren’t reliable when you’re a woman of HER AGE.
“Who doesn’t wear g-strings?” Victoria asks. Well for starters Athena, who hopefully only wears cheap, K-Mart, men’s boxers with pictures of beer and Homer Simpson saying ‘D’oh’.
Athena has a gift of her own, a literal “branch of olive”, commonly known as an olive branch, for both Krissy and Victoria. WHERE IN THE WORLD DID SHE PLUCK THOSE THINGS FROM?! Did she summon them from the power of god? Pull them out of her bag like Mary Poppins? Did she sprout them from her dress?
The women are all smiles but Vicki’s face says ‘how the fuck am I going to carry this thing around for the rest of the day’.
When rehashing the events of Nicole’s party Athena breaks character in her first fumble of the season “when you threw the net….my beautiful cape”.
Athena tells the ladies; she is no shallow pond but a deep ocean. In a very overt insinuation to shallowness of the other women. Matty, bursting out of no where amps up to Athena as they repeat to each other a warning to choose their words wisely, crazy stuff.
Just when the ladies were beginning to settle, Lisa storms in like the grim reaper to turn everything back up a notch. Lisa turned up to this white party in all black, because in case you forgot Lisa isn’t like other girls. Telling Victoria “when privileged white people get together it’s kind of like the KKK”, can’t argue with that.
Krissy is caught up on Lisa’s warped sense of humor, not understanding a joke unless screamed explicitly as a joke in one’s face. Lisa, always good for some throwaway lines, gives us a slew of burns in her interview , explaining she has the IQ of a room temperature and “I’ve been here five minutes bitch, just let me have a champagne”.
Lisa also tells Krissy, “I’m like the Ozzy Osbourne of Sydney” I’m assuming because she eats the heads of bats?
Matty, a girl after my heart, just wants everyone to shut up so she can eat, but forgets to give a trigger warning when mentioning “spirituality” and sets Athena right off, causing her to bring out Matty’s trigger word “fake”. This coming from the woman who telephones God through meditation and the woman made head to toe of surgical enhancements.
BULLSHIT, FAKE WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAKE? Matty shouts through collagen lips, trying to portray some sort of emotion. Athena commits a deadly sin in the world of privileged Sydney women and mocks botox; oh no you better don’t bitch. The other women attempt to express horror.
“Fuck this shit” Matty says as she storms out, telling Athena “YOU’RE NOT BUDDHA”. Well she got you there, Athena.
Where Matty is going is beyond me, considering Victoria is the one who drove her there. Matty will just be waiting by the car on her phone, like a child waiting for their mum to come out from Woolworths after they only had to “duck in for two minutes I promise”.
Next week: Athena treats us to more dancing and bickering, two of gods greatest creations
By Josh Hauville