Well folks, the day we’ve all been waiting for finally arrived – the premiere of the Real Housewives of Sydney. And boy, oh boy it did not disappoint. There was drama, accusations, comedy gold (dresses) and unconventional fishing. For your entertainment, we recapped episode 1.
Before you read on, check out the definitive scoring of each of the housewives.
Episode 1 starts with a look at who exactly we’re dealing. Victoria and Krissy are driving along Sydney’s cliff laced beach fronts on their way to Coogee, much to Victoria’s dismay who complains that she’s leaving the eastern suburbs; clearly she’s only ever known the world as between Bondi and Double Bay.
“I’m Krissy Marsh and I love in Double Bay” she says proudly.
Krissy has had a successful career in property along with the staple ‘careers’ of modelling and ‘making movies’, so we already know she loves attention.
“After working my arse off for 15 years I’m a lady of leisure”, the retirement age apparently significantly lower in the Eastern Suburbs.
Krissy has just returned with her family from China, leaving her husband abroad to fund her expensive habits.
Getting married at 33, Krissy was worried at the prospects of having children at such a prehistoric age. She was prepared to do anything for children, telling her husband that if worse comes to worse, they can just go to Colombia and snatch up a child the same colour as her, a slightly tanned white woman, as though Colombia is a wholesale of baby market.
Krissy lacks subtleness in every sense of the word, she’s the kind of woman who laughs at her own cheap sexual innuendo and then proceeds to explain her joke when you don’t similarly cackle.
Next we’re introduced to the First Lady of House Bondi, Victoria. Vicki is newly single, drinks Vodka for dinner and takes pleasure in watching the waves of peasants flock to Bondi from the comfort of her own balcony, while sipping her white wine like Cersei perched upon the Iron Throne.
Victoria left her last husband on not so great terms, catching him in bed with her best-friend while she was upstairs sleeping, two birds one stone.
Victoria knows what she wants, she’s a straight shooter and she hates bullshit, and I LOVE IT. So watch out bitches.
Victoria’s always had money but she doesn’t think she’s better than anybody else; yeah okay.
Victoria says “I would say I’m materialistic because I like nice things”, while looking at her collection of designer bags sprawled out on her bed, which makes one wonder where she sleeps; most likely upright in a cryo chamber.
Like a true eastern suburbs resident, Vicki loves a bit of silicone, except for her tits, which she assures us are hers, most likely filled some sort of superfood.
Next we meet Nicole who is distantly related to Krissy. Krissy states they’re cousins, because all Lebanese people are somehow cousins, lovely. When discussing Nicole’s preparation for Miss Australia, Krissy tells Victoria “She literally did not eat for days before she competed”, adding “she looked unbelievable”. And they say eating disorders are bad for you.
Nicole tells us it’s often that she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Um, try silver ladle.
Nicole is a former Miss Australia, if you didn’t already know, and has returned to Australia to catch her big break on reality TV give her daughters the experience the privileged life that she holds so dear.
Nicole’s family LOVES travelling (with their own private suite, shower and bed on the plane). But I’m sure if they were cramped into 43B, wedged against a man twice the size of seat, who hasn’t washed into days, cackling at family guy reruns while trying to get sleep with a scratchy $2 Virgin Australia rug, they wouldn’t love flying as much. But hey, at least Nikki acknowledges this. Her initials are N.G.O and like a non government organisation, Nicole tackles broader social issues for the good of mankind. Mid flight, Nicole makes the effort to drag her offspring down to the gallows to show them first-hand the horror that economy class passengers have to endure. A true social warrior.
Poor Nicole has fallen hook line and sinker for the role of ‘spoilt, uppity, eastern suburbs princess’. All her scenes are accompanied by faint, aristocratic orchestral tunes, eloquent statements of privilege and a love of tiaras.
Within minutes of meeting Nicole, Victoria labels her as self-absorbed and money obsessed. Victoria didn’t come to play, she knows the rules of reality TV and she’s going right in.
On the topic of Lisa Oldfield, Victoria asks “What is she like? I’ve heard she’s a loose cannon”, which is a question more loaded than Nicole’s closet. She then brings up the gossip surrounding David and Pauline Hanson’s love affair straight to the forefront, stating she doesn’t love nasty gossip but likes to know “who’s screwing who”. Ah, don’t we all.
Moving on to Athena Levendi, Victoria dismisses her as the now infamous “jatz crackers”, however, I do not think Athena would go well with vegemite and cheese, so the jatz crackers label is questionable.
Next we meet Double Bay resident Matty Samaei, who is “very self-made, successful and beautiful”. But wait, Matty, you forgot humble.
As owner of a Medispa in Double Bay, Matty is one of Australia’s most successful non-surgical nurses. Like any good business woman, Matty is an active user of her products and procedures, admitting to many cosmetic enhancements including “fixing (her) Persian nose”. As she shifts her wig ever so slightly, she claims “my hair is real though”.
Matty’s friend/client/new potential reality television arch-nemesis is the infamous Lisa Oldfield, wife of Politician David Oldfield.
The two women catch up over some cosmetic surgery. As most people do. Lisa tells her that after her liposuction last year, she was able to make soaps from the excess fat, “a really personalised gift”.
Lisa shoot’s guns, Lisa plays with snakes, Lisa calls her husband (former One Nation politician David Oldfield) cute pets names like c**t. Lisa is politically incorrect, and she won’t let you forget it.
Lisa also has the same black, sleek, bangs and bob in every single scene, like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction; because she’s different from other women. In fact, Lisa tells us that she’s more like a man. Why you ask? Oh because Lisa doesn’t do Pilates or yoga to relax, she goes to the shooting range, because she’s a bad ass. Don’t you see? She’s nothing like those other housewives.
Lisa lives in the Northern Suburbs on acreage with an array of farm animals, sadly none of which are Pauline Hanson.
Lisa’s parenting style is “freestyle”, the method we should all aspire to emulate. Lisa tells her sons to “stand still and be happy”, the newest treatment for childhood depression. Although Shelley may sound like the name Matty calls her wig, it is actually a pet python Lisa wields to show how bad ass she is, Lisa forces her sons to pat the python with unusual tactics. Maybe if my mum told me to “pat the python before I smack you” I wouldn’t have a relentless phobia of snakes.
Back in Matty’s Medispa Lisa calls Nicole, who sees an opportunity to lock in that second season contract early and relays the Victoria’s gossip to the ladies.
However, like any good snitch, Nicole bumbles Victoria’s words saying she called Athena a “Cracker Jacker”. Not getting enough of a reaction, Nicole drops the bomb of Victoria’s inquisition into David Oldfield’s past relations with Pauline Hanson.
Lisa, speaking for all of us, asks “who wants to think about middle aged people having sex?”
Lisa dispels the rumours deftly stating that Victoria just sounds like a bitch. Can’t argue with that.
Also, David met Pauline pre-Lisa so she says she wouldn’t care if he did, she wouldn’t care if he slept with a boatload of sailors, which sounds like a great idea for a Mardi Gras float.
Next we meet AthenaX. Athena says the X stands for her greek maiden name, but honestly it just looks like Anthrax.
Anthrax works at her husband’s exclusive jewellery store. It’s so exclusive, they serve no customers, as Athena spends most of her time looking at the displays and convincing her husband to give them to her.
Athena is a practicing vegan, well 80% vegan, and is so terrible that sometimes she’ll go all out and nibble on half a burger. A real monster.
Athena is very spiritual, saying “meditating is like a telephone between me and God” without a hint of irony. Really? Because I feel as though Athena is more a morse code kinda gal.
She believes in reincarnation and like many women nowadays, hasn’t always been a woman. Her last life was not so good, but it meant she able to “do a lot of clearing”. But she never specified exactly what she cleared. Was it forest clearing? Was she an advocate for Neutrogena? Did she clear the skies like angel she is destined to be? PLEASE EXPLAIN.
Athena also studies art, because why not? When asked by her husband what her scribbling of an artwork represents, Athena showcases her improv skills, saying “it’s two human beings…that have…uh…split personalities” before turning with restored confidence to her blank faced husband and children.
In her first moment of clarity, Athena Xanadu Levendi tells us “90% of the time I have no idea what I’m doing”.
Athena’s son is a total hater, mocking her spiritual tangents. It just makes me think to the numerous times Athena has mortified her children picking them up from school in a teletubbie suit or dressed like a Jackson Pollock work.
To the producer who found this glorious disaster, I don’t know who you are, I don’t know how or where you found her, but from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.
Next we meet washed up pop sensation Melissa Tkautz. You may know Melissa from E-Street, Swift and Shift Couriers or ‘that woman who looks familiar but you can’t quite think of what you’ve seen her in’. But if you’re like me, you know her from a 4am dance off to ‘Read my Lips’ aired on RAGE last year.
Read My Lips was a pop hit which Melissa tells us, earned her first ARIA, as if it were the first of many successful hits that ignited the career of a pop sensation. Spoiler alert: it didn’t. Melissa still continued her signing career, she believes, now only working with ‘very relevant DJs’ in nightclubs at 2am. Cut to Melissa coaching her sloppy DJ on how to use the audio board, whose black scene-fringe and snapback screams ‘don’t tell me how to live mum circa 2006’.
Melissa has also recently starred in the, non-award winning, Boar, the cheap, Australian version of Sharknado, with less sharks and more mutant killer pigs. Good to see she’s still going strong since those days on E-Street.
Melissa’s life changed completely once she had children, because becoming a mother is so uplifting she got to lock down her husband’s bank account for life.
We’re then treated to Athena generation X Levendi preparing for Nicole’s lavish party by finding the perfect outfit. For Athena, getting dressed is like an art form, in that she 90% has no idea what she’s doing. Deciding on a golden mumu draped in a fishing net, Athena tells her husband that it is “so avant garde” reminding us of that zany high school art teacher who was always in another universe planning their ‘next big work’.
In the limo ride over Athena X Marks the Spot Levendi tells the other women of a friend who knows Victoria saying that she was a “fat little girl when she was younger” adding, “but she’s lovely now”, oh well thank god for that. On the topic of Victoria, Lisa decides this is the perfect opportunity to tell Athena all about the trash Victoria had been saying to anyone that would listen. Lisa says Vicki called Athena ‘Cracker Jack’, which is far more offensive than ‘Jatz Crackers.’
Athena unsurprisingly takes being called crazy as a compliment much to the dismay of Lisa, who realises now she’ll now have to confront Victoria alone about her gossiping tactics.
Lisa is still stuck on Victoria’s comments about her husband and Pauline Hanson, NOT THAT SHE CARES THOUGH.
The women all assemble at Nicole’s party and we know its about to get juicy.
Things start off cordially, but Krissy, going for the culturally ignorant award of the year, makes some comments about “Grreeeeek MATES” to Athena, apparently morphing into a straight yobbo bloke. Athena diverts the most logical way one would, by telling Nicole “I look into your eyes and I see a beautiful soul and I give you Namaste”. Namaste, contrary to Krissy’s excitement, is not some ‘yummy bread’ or hummus, but a Hindu sentiment appropriated by Athena Professor X Levendi, as a compliment. Athena is like that girl who, after a few too many vodka sodas, finds an existential calling in the club and sloppily blabbers to her girlfriends about the spiritual connection they have. While the drama starts to exacerbate, Nicole is left pondering the monetary value of said Namastae.
Krissy is brash, loud and obnoxious, and Lisa can.not.take.it. When Krissy interrupts Lisa’s speech to Nicole, Lisa snaps at Krissy, “Listen Chewbacca, back off”. Lisa explains the Chewbacca label – Krissy is big, loud, and everything she says is nonsensical. Which, is very true.
Krissy, not as avid a watcher of Star Wars, as she is Greek Boy, doesn’t understand the insult. Luckily First Lady Victoria I, draped in the skin of an infant wookie, enlightens poor Krissy, describing Chewwy as “a big hairy unit” which sounds more like Pauline Hanson, after a week of not shaving.
Whilst perhaps not as hairy, Krissy most definitely resembles Chewwy, the Extra/Juicy Fruit kind. In that she’s hard to digest, obnoxious, and if you chew her for too long she gets way too sticky. Plus, I would hate to find her stuck under my table.
Athena confronts Victoria, “You called me a crackerjack”. Offended at the jumbling of her insult Victoria corrects her, “no, excuse me, I said Jatz crackers”. Athena will now probably show up to a meeting dressed in a garb made of jatz crackers, because she’s “an artist”.
Athena labels Victoria a woman “of very low vibration”, because I guess she uses the shower head on low speed? I’m not quite sure, but apparently she’s no where near enlightenment, I’m sure Victoria’s very upset by that.
After some spats between Victoria, Krissy, Athena, Lisa and Nicole in quite the drama-rama, Matty is worried she hasn’t contributed enough yet and relays to Victoria Athena’s remarks that she was a fat child, apparently an egregious sin. Krissy, the boorish broad that she is, protests that Vicki’s only put on “a couple-a kilos” in the past few weeks, but she AIN’T FAT MAAATE.
Athena XXXX:Gold Levendi, giving us strangled goldfish realness, drops her spiritual façade and immediately GOES IN on Vicki like a glimmering golden plover. “What are you offended about? That you were a fat little girl when you were little? Isn’t that the reality?” Athena monotonously asks, a clear advocate for positive children’s body image. Next, she swings at Krissy trashing her as a “wookie”.
Vicki has a sudden change of heart, asking Athena to try on her cape. Victoria, an avid fisherwoman decides with the calm tides, lack of harbour activity and loud noises, that this is the perfect moment to reel in some snapper to harvest essential oils for Wrinkles Schminkles, and tosses Athena’s handy fishing net into the harbour. “You can go and get your f***ing cape and I’ll see you later”.
Victoria clearly saw an opportunity to cause the first big stir of the series and tossed that shit into the ocean like yesterday’s garbage. Toss salads, not capes guys.
Next time on the Real Housewives of Sydney: Lisa likens the women to the KKK, Athena is excluded and Victoria gifts the women some new panties for their gloveboxes.
By Josh Hauville
Header Image: Stephen Cooper