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Pop Rocks

Pop Rocks: The Solution To All Your Problems

Pop rocks are love, pop rocks are life, pop rocks are here and most importantly, pop rocks are now. If you’re not consuming pop rocks at this very moment, then in the eternal words of Lara Bingle “where the bloody hell are ya?” Pop rocks are omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent. They are both funny and intelligent, a versatility not known by other candied treats.

Pop Rocks in all their divinity

 

Contrary to popular belief, pop rocks do not belong to a genre of music nor are they lollipops in the shape of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s face. Pop rocks are actually a form of carbonated candy that unload a party in you mouth, when placed inside. Pop rocks bring Ibiza to your front door/food hole. Your mouth functions as a microwave, which transforms mere kernels into a world of fun.

Your mouth on pop rocks.

Pop rocks solve anything. That is not mere hyperbole or some sort of wild exaggeration. Everything and anything can be fixed by the magic of pop rocks. Got a sugar craving? Pop rocks. Bad hair day? Pop rocks. Feelings depressed? Pop rocks.

Look at this photo of Pauline Hanson. I know what you’re thinking, “ew”.

Now look at this same photo, but notice the immense difference.

 

Pop rocks have many benefits, and can significantly alter most life situations for the better. Here are some examples.

SPICING UP BLAND FOOD

Sick of the flavourless food that your student budget affords? Pop rocks are inexpensive and are sure to make any meal 100% more enjoyable. You’ll be racing to finish your porridge sachets, two minute noodles, and $1 Aldi bread when they’re laced in one of the varied pop rocks flavours.

BEATING ADDICTION

Pop rocks are the perfect cure for addiction. They give you the excitement of whatever you’re addicted to, without the added burden of damaged mental health, forgotten nights in dark alleyways, and being taken advantage of.

LUBE ALTERNATIVE

For that extra kick in the bedroom, substitute slimy and expensive lube for the cheap and far more exciting pop rocks. It will give all involved that extra sweet sensation that is sure to get your rocks poppin’.

Give your significant other a tropical punch.

And for all you health conscious skeptics, consuming only pop rocks will lead to loss of teeth, which will make food consumption near impossible. Thus, your food intake capabilities will be drastically minimised, keeping you cover girl thin.

Move aside modern medicine, there’s a new cure in town, Pop rocks. Buy some today!

 

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About Joshua Hauville

Joshua Hauville
Mediocre at best, abominable at worst.

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