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Local Vegan Feasts on Cardboard and Disappointment

A local vegan has taken to pretending her steady diet of cardboard and disappointment “… isn’t as shit as it sounds…”.

Joy Sarrandon, 31, accounts executive at a Surry Hills PR firm, is reportedly surviving on three square meals of Samsung delivery boxes with a side of unfulfilled hunger, supplemented by four additional smaller meals of self-righteousness and malnutrition.

“Sure, animal products is how we evolved to our current forms,” says Sarrandon. “I watched those Sam Neil red meat ads the same as you lot. This was a much needed, positive change. I feel so much healthier today. ”

“She’s not healthier than she was before,” comments Dr. Harold J. McGilligar, Sarrandon’s GP. “Her iron levels are constantly low, keratin’s down so her hair and nails are falling out. She’s at very high risk of osteoporosis, which is a given because the density of her bones are pretty much eggshell-like at this point… for some reason she can’t see the colour orange anymore. I don’t even know.”

When prompted about whether Dr. McGilligar was violating doctor-patient confidentiality, he simply shrugged.

“I don’t mind if she wants to skip to the credits of her life, if you catch my drift,” says one close friend that chose to remain anonymous. “I just don’t want to hear about it all the damn time.”

When additional sources were approached as to provide an insight towards Sarrandon’s lifestyle, Blitz correspondents were met with eye rolls and sighs.

“I guess at the end of the day, after all is said and done, and the face of science is repeatedly spat upon, what I’m really trying to say is… I’m better than you,” says Sarrandon. “But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can be better than everyone else too.”

“I’m fairly certain she’s becoming literally transparent,” comments Dr. McGilligar.

Updates to come.



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