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Just In: O-Week 2017

Just In: O-Week 2017

We rounded up the top three news stories for the week. #alternativefacts

Instagram upgrades server in lieu of university students’ return from Europe

As one year dawns, and another comes in its place, we face the cyclical beauty of nature. In light of their annual homebound migration from Europe, the native species of northern Sydney university students are set to return from their easterly flight, and so Instagram will upgrade their server in anticipation.

The seasonal rush of #nofilter photos has just begun.

Resident socialist activist accepts part-time job at Subway

A resident socialist activist’s tenure on the Library walkway has come to an end. Gina Holsworth, 24, has been forced to take on a part-time job at Subway, after discovering that collecting petition signatures still leaves rent five months overdue. Defeated by capitalism like the rest of the world, Holsworth was last reported learning about estrangement of labour firsthand as she assembled her 27th foot-long sub for the day.

Third-year film student takes first year subject to appear worldly

A third-year film student has opted to take an introductory film subject to appear comparatively worldly to his peers. David Rodriguez, 20, has been reported claiming the oldest film he has ever seen to be The Fall of Faust from the mid-19th century. The collective resources of this publication were unable to discover any trace of its existence. Eye witnesses noted Rodriguez was perspiring quite noticeably when prompted about Citizen Kane, suspecting he had yet to watch it contrary to his claims.

 

By Garry Lu

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