Since midsem break is well and truly over and we’re heading into the worst part of the semester, you’re probably trying to find something to distract you. Don’t you worry, we’ve got you covered with this instalment of “Making vague predictions about your life based on what day of the year you were born,” or as I like to call it Horrorscopes.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Ummm…. If I had to guess, I’d say you were planning on taking uni more seriously this semester but now that it’s week 11 you can’t be stuffed.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
I hear a lot of people are working on their thesis at the moment. If you are doing your thesis, the next week or so are probably gonna suck.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
If it’s your first year at uni my advice is: just shut up, okay? I don’t want to hear you complaining about your courses or talking about your courses or talking about anything in general. Your youthful exuberance is exhausting.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Apparently, the moon is in another one of its phases (Psshh, grow up moon, you’re embarrassing yourself!) Next time you’re heading down the library walkway someone random is probably going to try and hand you some pamphlet or try and get you to sign some petition. Resist the urge to punch them in the face.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
If I had to take a stab in the dark I’d say you have a group assignment due in the next couple of weeks. Unfortunately, the rest of the group is so incompetent you have to pull an all-nighter re-writing all of their stupid responses.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
If I had to take a punt I’d say you have a group assignment due in the next couple of weeks. Fortunately, one of the people in your group (the Gemini) is a massive nerd and is going to do all your work for you the night before.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Uh oh! Looks like Mercury is going to conjunct Venus later this month and the ephemeris is doing whatever it is ephemerides do. I personally doubt this will affect you though.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Next time you need to use the toilet on campus make sure you don’t go to that one on the south side of the quad. It’s always busy, the floor’s always wet and for some weird reason, it smells like urine.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Looks like the moon is in its second house, That’s two more houses than you’ll ever own.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Geez! Who knew there were so many star signs? Look, Some big decision is probably going to present itself to you in the next couple of weeks. If I were you I would choose carefully.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Slightly cloudy throughout the day with a strong chance of showers late in the afternoon. Make sure you pack a brolly.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You weren’t going to drink tonight since you have an assignment you were supposed to start tomorrow morning. However, after your friend convinced you to go out for “just a couple of beers” you’re going to spend the better part of tomorrow morning dry retching in the shower.