With the announcement of the latest budget, many are outraged at the rising university fees, a consequence of severe education funding cutbacks. But the worst is yet to come, as Treasurer Scott Morrison just called a press meeting to introduce a breathing taxation on all university students nation-wide.
“Oh boo hoo, having a whinge,” says Morrison. “It’s not like uni was free when I was growing up or anything… All you young people don’t know how easy you have it, and it’s about time you learned.”
“Well, it’s official… I can no longer afford to live,” comments Harold Wilson, 23, UNSW student. “But I like to look on the bright side. I may not be able to ever own a home, or get a job, but at least we’ll get a sweet new light rail system that I won’t get to use because I would have (hopefully) graduated by then.”
“Frankly, I’m appalled,” says Garrett Owens, 22, USYD student. “You’re saying people that attend UWS and Macquarie get to breathe the same air as I do? Just barbaric. I will not stand for this.”
“I’m doing you all a favour,” says Morrison. “In the real world, you’ll all have to learn to live with debt until you die. Not me though.”
When further prompted as to why this new breathing tax was to be implemented, Treasurer Morrison responded, “… because fuck ‘em, that’s why. Next question…”
He was last sighted spitting in the faces of waiters while demanding to be thanked, before flipping everyone off and yelling, “… Sco-Mo out, bitches…”.
Updates to follow.