Crushes can be tricky.
In year six, I gave mine love poems and roses before asking her out. She said no. I cried while listening to James Blunts’ “Goodbye My Lover” on repeat. These days, I’m marginally better at attracting the opposite sex. Here are some tips I’ve picked up along the way.
Play hard to get (like, really hard to get).
Once upon a time, back when I was in College and didn’t yet have to revert to scrubbing the skirting boards of middle-aged, overweight members of the bourgeoisie just to eat, I didn’t leave my room for six months. In response to this abrupt descent into reclusion, my College mates started rumours about the nature of my disappearance. I was labelled mysterious and, for a brief point in time, even a high level delinquent. As you can imagine, this did great things to my street cred, thus improving my image. In a sense, I was playing really hard to get, with everyone, all the time. Unfortunately, I migrated here to UNSW before I had a chance to capitalise on the phenomenon. But, that doesn’t mean you can’t.
Lower your expectations
The era of Romanticism is dead. And it’s important when approaching your crush that you leave it that way. Take all the romantic, coming of age movies you keep hidden in a secret drawer under your bed and burn them in your yard. Next, call up your crush, put on a pair of your worst track pants, and settle in to watch something a little more realistic like “Blue Valentine.” The quicker you both come to terms with the graveyard of regret where your relationship is inevitably heading, the less disappointed you’ll be when you get there.
Avoid excessive narcissism
While grooving in a club the other weekend, I got lost in both a heavily inflated sense of self-esteem and the jubilant sounds of 2000’s era alt-rock. It was wonderful. So strong was the surge of self-love rising within me like the Venetian tides in a 2050 global warming ravaged environment, that I failed to notice a really cute girl was attempting to dance with me. She took my non-syncronisity to her style of jamming as straight up rejection. When I finally pulled out of my gloriously egotistical trance she was gone. While initially this was a slight blow to my sense of masculinity, I quickly straightened myself out, took one sensuous glance in the mirror beside me, and went straight back to having the best night of my life. It may be too late for me to curb this disastrously delicious personality trait, but it isn’t too late for you. Love yourself. But, not too much. Or you may lose the desire to ever chase a romantic interest again, because you’ll already be with the best of the best. All the time. Forever.