I’m writing to let you know I’m worried about you. In fact, you could say I’m worried about us. In the past few years I can’t help but notice a change in our relationship. You’ve changed, grown distant, started hanging out with different people. I’m not mad because you’re making new friends. I don’t want to stop you making new friends. I just don’t understand why they have to be so healthy? Maybe it’s me. All this muesli, and granola, and other things I don’t know how to pronounce just seem a little, a little nutty.
I’m not mad that you’re with smashed avocado. This isn’t about the smashed avocado. Seriously, you’re allowed to be with the smashed avocado. You could have smashed avocado brunch every day of the week and still be spending more money on rent, technically putting you under extreme housing stress. How many times do I have to say, it’s not about the smashed avocado?!
It’s just, I don’t know what happened to you. You’ve forgotten who your real friends are. Remember your friends, bacon and eggs. Mostly just bacon though. We hardly get to see you anymore and when we do it’s like you completely ignore us. When was the last time bacon and eggs was even on the menu? I don’t mean in a brekkie sandwich or brekkie wrap or any of that fake brekkie crap. I mean actual bacon and eggs. You know, a good old classic cooked breakfast!
In fact, last time you invited us out, you stuck me and eggs on toast between quinoa and her dumb friend kale talking about some basic nonsense – I think it was active wear or cheese platters or something. I mean, who the hell does quinoa think she is? New lunch? She ain’t new lunch. Yeah I said it. I don’t care who hears it. You can go tell quinoa and her friend kale.
Which reminds me to ask what I’ve been meaning to ask all along, why don’t you ever invite bacon anywhere anymore? You and bacon were inseparable since as far back as I can remember. Recently, the only time I see you and bacon in the same room is when someone specifically asks Bacon to be, as a plus one or some kind of “extra.” Bacon shouldn’t be an extra! She’s just a little flamboyant. I don’t know who started this vicious rumour, but it’s got to stop.
I’m not going to just sit here and watch you relegate bacon to an afterthought, like it’s corn fritters, or halloumi, or something. Heck, I don’t even know what halloumi is. Frankly, I don’t want to know. Is it meat? Is it cheese? It’s probably cheese, isn’t it. Explain halloumi burgers then!? You can’t can you. How can something be the main part of a burger when it’s not even meat? Am I crazy? It doesn’t make any sense. And if halloumi is a type of cheese, wouldn’t that just make it a cheeseburger?
But, if we could circle back to bacon for a second. I just don’t understand why I need to explain to brunch, of all people, why bacon is important. It just is, okay?
Anyway, I didn’t come here to talk about halloumi. Look you didn’t hear it from me but I heard granola saying some pretty messed up stuff to muesli the other day. “Forget brunch,” she said “You don’t need her or her stupid friend’s bacon and eggs. We could start our own menu. A breakfast menu, 7am-10am.” Don’t you see now?! Granola doesn’t care about you. Granola ain’t loyal! She’s toxic!
Look, a lot of things have been said today. I’ll admit I may have a been a little harsh. I probably didn’t need to call quinoa basic. That was wrong. I admit that. But, I honestly believe I was coming from a place of love.
Seriously though, all I want is some bacon and eggs. Is that crazy? Am I crazy?
BAE (Bacon And Eggs) Lover.