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A Definitive Scoring of the Real Housewives of Sydney

Sydney finally has it’s very own reality show centred around affluent, drama driven, outspoken women otherwise known as real housewives. Let’s take a look at who these real housewives are, and how their taglines define them (from left to right in header image).

LISA:
“Brains and beauty, are my weapons of choice”
Translation: I’m not just a surgically enhanced face.
Score: 4/10
Comment: I expected better.

MATTY:
“My lips may be fake, but they always speak the truth”
Translation: I will lose my shit when someone inevitably accuses me of lying, because I KEEP IT REAL.
Score: 5/10
Comment: What lips is she referring to?

ATHENA:
“The Athena X of today, took lifetimes to create”
Translation: I’m delusional in the best kind of way.
Score: 7/10
Comment: Bonus points for high decibel delivery, originality and dancing like a rhythmically challenged aunt at a wedding after a bottle of Yellowglen.

MELISSA:
“The hardest role I’ve ever played is just being me”
Translation: Drama scares me and I have no storyline.
Score: 1/10
Comment: Yawn.

KRISSY:
“When you’re comfortable in your own skin, you get under someone else’s”
Translation: I’m annoying.
Score: 8/10
Comment: Krissy “starving for attention” Marsh hands-down wins best opening pose; snapping the train of her dress, kicking out that leg like Angelina Jolie at the Oscars and pouting her lips like the true diva she is.

VICTORIA:
“My point of view isn’t the only one, but it’s clearly the best”
Translation: I give a lot of unwarranted opinions, so buckle up bitches.
Score: 3/10
Comment: Points for allusion to drama.

NICOLE:
“Beauty queens, can more than handle drama queens”
Translation: The producers are using my E-list title as a way to advertise this show.
Score: 3/10
Comment: Appropriate elementary play on words but otherwise bland.

 

By Josh Hauville 

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