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The Trump Student

Donald Trump is a business man, a polarising personality, and somehow managed to become the 45th president of the United States of America. But, what would Trump be like as a student at UNSW? 

Degree:

Transferred from Media, to Commerce, to then Law/Economics (currently failing three out of four subjects, considering transferring back to Media).

Occupation:

Entrepreneur (funded by his father) first, student second.

Interests:

Money, success, The Sheaf, O-Week hook-ups with first years, owning porcelain, marking the border between Bondi and Randwick.

Favourite quote:

“I swear, it’s huge ;)” – 3:17AM.

Description:

The only reason he isn’t at USYD is because he didn’t make the ATAR cut-off. Every day, the Trump Student dreams of being there, joining one of the colleges, and wreaking havoc in all his wankery glory. For now, he resides at UNSW, much to everyone else’s misfortune. The only friends he has been able to make are those exactly like him (so not many), and some Russian exchange students.

Despite his (father’s) wealth, he has never purchased a textbook because he deems anything he doesn’t know to be fake. He consequently never does any readings, and yet still constantly voices his opinion on such readings, repeating the question asked in five different ways, and calling out other students, especially those without the same orange complexion and bleached blonde hair as him.

The Trump Student wrinkles his face in disgust as he spots a Halal Snack Pack from across the library lawn. How dare someone enjoy something so ethnic and dangerous (and not just to the bowels)? He practically seethes in his ill-fitting Ralph Lauren polo, if only they were flammable.

A self-proclaimed ladies’ man, the Trump Student has admittedly had short term successes. His rule is “dress size at zero, rating at ten.” He justifies his rule in terms of visual perspective as he’ll look bigger, if they look smaller. His attitude towards women stems from his own insecurities. Much of his game comprises of showering women in gifts, and selling them a fantasy future life, which never works out long term as after a while, women tend to dislike everything about him.

You shouldn’t dare speak out against him, or even exude vibes of displeasure in the same vicinity as him, because his father will immediately hear about it. The Trump student will immediately brand you as fake, and ban you from travelling into the Bondi area.

 

By Garry Lu

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