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Bachelorette

Yael Recaps The Bachelorette: The Penultimate Episode

Episode 11: Two Men Left Standing

“Coming into all of this, I never ever thought I would be at this point. I’ve got three guys left,” says the Bachelorette aka Queen G. Poor dear clearly never watched the show when it was on TV, because every season goes THE SAME WAY i.e. you eliminate one per week until there’s one left because that’s what our heteronormative monogamous society demands.

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Lee has feelings, but they are interrupted because Channel Ten has a helicopter! The funds have been released and the money is raining down on Queen Georgia and Lee the Plumber. They kiss, which is nice and not at all painful for all us singles watching at home.

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She gets a full-day date with Lee, where she wants to “revisit the romance”. Of course, the romance is probably ruined by the plethora of cameras and unhappy producers yelling “No! Again!” but hey. Them’s the breaks. They go back to the beach where they had their first date, accompanied by flashbacks of their Dirty Dancing lift, which reminds us that they’ve only been on two dates. TWO. And she’s considering spending her life with him. Why do I believe in this show again?

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Hang on. Their picnic has DONUTS. That’s why I like this show. The never-ending flow of champagne, the cheese platters, and the surprising picnic foodstuffs. They talk about how they are falling for each other, and I’m drooling at the sight of the donuts that they are both ignoring. Priorities, people. Oh, that’s right, he’s the guy from Melbourne, so logistically, he’s the right choice. I guess that’s why they ignore the donuts – there’s plenty of hipster bakeries in Melbourne, right?

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Ew, speaking of Melbourne, they then go for a hipster bike ride. “I need baguettes in my basket,” says Georgia, not at all trying to make a dirty joke but still succeeding. “Can you see us doing this in Melbourne?” Lee asks. NO, Lee. I would legit run you off the road if I saw you two being that romantic and disgusting in public. Georgia is now certain that he only liked her because they are both from Melbourne. She demands to know if Lee would feel the same about her if she wasn’t from Melbourne. Lee stutters and looks for an open window.

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They sit in front a fire, which I’m sure is a violation of the NSW fire-ban, that these VICTORIANS probably thing they’re too good for. Lee stammers out that he came into this knowing that she could have come from anywhere. “Where you live doesn’t define you,” he tries. It works. She smiles and says she is overthinking things, which apparently is what females do when it comes to the male species. Lee says he wants to start a life with her in Melbourne which is “the best thing I’ve heard all day”. They make out amongst so many candles that it literally HAS to be a fire hazard.

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Georgia then starts to think about Jake, who she has decided is loving, caring, and family-oriented after spending approximately 20 minutes with his family. Jake thinks there is a future there. They meet on a weird dock and board a super-yacht. Channel Ten, I see your dollar dollar bills, and I applaud you.

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Georgia talks about the spark that has been there from the start, and by start, she means about a month ago, because TV time works differently to regular human time. She wants to know where his head is at. Good luck girl. I don’t think any girl has ever worked out where any guys head has ever been at ever. They make out. Their connection is real. Blah, blah. She lies to his face and says that his mother is lovely.

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They do the Titanic thing, which always seems romantic until you remember that Jack died of hypothermia at age 19 and Rose married someone else and died alone more than 80 years later. Then, they have their “real” date, which leaves me really confused as to what they were doing for the rest of the day. I am also wondering what luxury form of transport is left for Mattie J. They discuss how his family don’t want him to leave the Gold Coast. I don’t get why all these guys are acting like infants. Why can’t they move away from their family? They’re grown-ups. Aren’t they? “Distance is only distance if you let it be,” Jake says. Um, NO JAKE. Distance is distance, because SCIENCE.

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Okay, Mattie J. He has feelings too. God, these feelings are getting tedious. Bring back the pretzels and peanuts. Okay, there is a fancy mode of transport left: a Porsche. She goes, “What do you think of my wheels?” as if she owns the damn thing, and it doesn’t have to be back at the dealership by 5pm otherwise Channel Ten lose their refundable deposit.

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Today, she is looking for “a further development” of their relationship. Good on you girl. Always good to have a game plan when you’re dating three guys. The Porsche with the roof down ruins her hair, but she pretends not to care, because she is just one of the blokes, yo. Mattie says home visits went well. Okay mate. Pretty sure your sister is being arrested as we speak and thoroughly questioned about Mattie’s disappearance and the weird nosies coming from basement.

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Georgia says that she has planned a date involving gin, which is code for production has struck a deal with the local gin distillery and are now holding up their end of the bargain. They talk about adding stuff to gin. Why are they ruining perfectly good alcohol? WHY?

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They decide that they are good at making gin. Then the bartender takes over and makes them martinis. MUCH BETTER. Mattie is holding in his major declaration of love, which is really obvious. Out with it mate, or she’ll dump you for the plumber. They say nice shit to each other, probably because they’re wasted. Mattie is being weird. Like, weirder than usual. They go and get in a pool, because what is sexier than rubbing your bits together in a lukewarm bath of chlorine and chemicals?

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He struggles and stutters for ten minutes until he finally gets it out; “I’m completely falling in love with you.” She goes, “I love…hearing that.” OUCH. But she makes it up to him sucking on his face.

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At this point, I’m not even sure who I’m rooting for. Not Jake though. Yachts freak me out. Georgia is sad because she has to make a decision, and every guy makes her feel lucky and special. Probably because you have three and we can’t even get one lousy Tinder date, so no sympathy here. Oshie walks in with his serious face and talks about feelings. I love how he wishes them luck every night, as if that makes a difference. Georgia has such power. Watching her right now, I really do feel that women will run the world one day.

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Sayonara Jake, who looks weirdly like Taylor Launtner when he is sad. Tomorrow: WHO WILL BE LEFT STANDING?

Full recaps here.

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About Yael Brender

Yael Brender
Journo, writer & film critic. I enjoy long walks to the cinema, strong coffee and sleeping all day.

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