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Yael Recaps The Bachelorette: Finale

Episode 12: The End

Well guys, this it it. It’s been quite a journey. We’ve stuck with Queen Georgia for 6 long weeks, in a generation that used to having a whole season available on demand immediately. They’re in Singapore for um, reasons, I guess? Oshie helpfully explains that Georgia has a decision to make. She has to choose a guy from the two she has left. Thanks mate. I’m gonna say upfront, I’m Team Mattie J. So this post may or may not get emotional.

Georgia is “on top of the world”, and who wouldn’t be, really, after having millions of guys drooling after you on national TV week after week. That’s gotta do good for a girl’s ego. Exhibit A: Lee. He a sense of humour and is tall. Tick. And he is from Melbourne. Two ticks. Exhibit B: Mattie J. “The guy I never knew I wanted,” apparently, who does a wicked fake English accent. Georgia confuse. But then remembers that she has two guys fighting for her!

Channel Ten fly her family to Singapore to (a) help her make a decision and (b) prove that they can afford it. She’s super excited to see them, which is sweet. Her mother isn’t there because she has cancer, but she sent her a video message, which is also super sweet. I’m having emotions and I’m not really sure how to deal with them because I’m not good at feelings.

The sister then basically disses all of Georgia’s previous relationships, and then says that she has a lot of questions to ask to both of the guys. I guess overprotective family members aren’t restricted to the guys on this show. Mattie says outright that he feel sick at the thought of meeting her family. High five for honesty. The sister Katie says that Mattie is good-looking and tall and then asks him a range of dumb questions including “how are you with cats?” She smiles with her mouth but you can tell that she’s trying kill him with her eyes.

The father Chris is pretty annoyed that Mattie isn’t from Melbourne, as if it is his fault. Mattie spins a good yarn about wanting to be near his sister and her child and that’s why he moved home to Sydney. The dad tells Mattie straight out that Georgia is not leaving Melbourne in “the foreseeable future” and Mattie says that he’s looking into relocating to Melbourne. Chris clearly doesn’t believe him. Literally nothing Mattie says or does is good enough, which seems pretty unfair considering that Chris is wearing the world’s ugliest pink shirt.

Georgia then says that the have to go, and Mattie stops himself from doing backflips of joy. Next up, Lee goes to the SOFITEL to meet Georgia’s family SOFITEL in SINGAPORE at the SOFITEL. She runs through the same spiel with Lee, and then walks him into the Lion’s Den. Katie smiles so violently that it looks like it’s hurting her face and accuses Lee of “saying the right things and the things that we want to hear” without really meaning them.

Chris says that Georgia and Lee have “more of a physical connection” than Georgia and Mattie, which seems like a weird thing for a father to comment on. Lee then spends about five straight minutes flattering Georgia, which goes over well with Chris, but the sister is still doing the Keira face and calls Lee “a bad egg”. Someone should really set up Kate and that freaky sister of Mattie’s. They’d be perfect for each other. Kate takes Lee away for a private chat, and Lee looks like he’s being led to the gallows.

Lee says that he’s falling in love with Georgia, but that he hasn’t told her yet. Kate confuse. Georgia is keen to hear the opinions of her dad and sister. The sister says it’s too soon to say. Someone needs to explain the concept of the Bachelorette to her, which is that they have a certain number of episodes to fall in love. That’s the deal. Georgia basically asks them to make the decision for her. Sister Katie is Team Mattie and Father Chris is Team Lee. Very helpful.

She goes on a date with Mattie where they stand under the Bell of Happiness, which apparently brings everlasting peace and harmony to people if they ring it. You write a message on a bell and hang it on the fence, kind of like a low-rent version of writing on a lock on that bridge in Paris.

Then they make out heaps, probably because Mattie knows that if she doesn’t pick him, this is the last time he’ll get to do it.Then they go zip-lining, or something involving heights and ropes that looks dangerous, and complement each other a lot. Then they do something with butterflies. He is so in love with her, and he goes, “The only speed bump we need to get over right now is…making sure she picks me.” I bet Lee loves being called a speed bump. I’m shipping them so hard it’s not funny.

Okay, it’s Lee’s final chance to prove himself and Singapore’s last chance to sell itself to Aussies. They engage in some mild cultural appropriation, involving riding in one of those rickshaw things (which is apparently called a tri-shaw now) while Georgia lists the main sites of Singapore in a voiceover, inexplicably including RAFFLES HOTEL. They’re really squeezing the blood out of the stone that is the advertising deal Singapore must have struck with Channel Ten.

They get on some sort of traditional boat which is called a BumBoat, which is hilarious. They discuss the fact that Georgia’s dad likes Lee better and the fact that Georgia’s sister is hella inappropriate. Lee decides that he is in love with her. Singapore turns up the heat and does some sort of light and laser show.

They make out in a swimming pool and Lee stammers out that he believes in fate and that he has “so fallen in love” with her. As soon as he says that, they make out so passionately and um, pornographically, that they have to zoom out, and then go to commercial break because this shit airs on free-to-air at 7.30pm. I’m about as lesbian as they come, but even I’m getting a little into Lee at this point.

Okay, it’s D-Day. See what I did there? D is for…okay, you get it. Anyway, Georgia talks about how hard the decision is for a while and then they go back to the SOFITEL and the guys get all dressed up to either be rejected or have sex with Georgia for the first time. Mattie looks so nervous he could vomit at any moment. Lee looks slightly seasick. Georgia brushes her teeth with an Oral B Electric Toothbrush (I am excited for this to be over so I don’t have to see any more fucking Oral B products) and then drapes herself in jewels and looks fucking FIERCE.

Oshie hugs her and reminds her that this is a “bittersweet day”. They talk about the guys, and she says that she’s fallen madly in love. Oshie is happy that she has fallen in love and even happier to be able to go home and get this hair out of the humidity, probably. Damn, she should fire that sister of hers and take Oshie home as a surrogate sibling. “I know what I want, and I know how I feel,” says the queen. And now my internet goes on the blink. DAMN UNIVERSE. Is this karma for making fun of all the contestants?

OH SHIT. THIS IS FUCKING IT, people. She’s gonna pick Lee. I just fucking know it. Oh, no. Mattie is the first one out of the limo, and the first one out is always the reject. Oh, no. He’s worked it out. Now I’m going to cry. He’s devastated, but he takes is pretty well. It would’ve been so easy for him to chuck a hissy fit but he gets ahold of himself. Massive respect for Mattie J right now. He even says that he’s happy that she’s found what she’s looking for and wishes them the best. What a gentleman. He’s a genuine class act and I’m really, really impressed.

Now she’s nervous. She’s “absolutely in love” with Lee. He rocks up, and she draws it out for ages, reliving every single one of their moments together, and then eventually says that she is in love with him too and he says it back and they make out and get all breathless and kiss and well, that’s nice for them.

Well, this is it. The journey is over. For Georgia, anyway. The rest of us will continue to swipe right in the hopes of finding our Lee, or female equivalent. That’s all folks!

Full recaps here.

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About Yael Brender

Yael Brender

Journo, writer & film critic. I enjoy long walks to the cinema, strong coffee and sleeping all day.

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