The thing about tea drinkers is that they think they are so much cooler than everyone else.
They yell from their high horse “look how much better I am because I don’t drink coffee, I don’t even know what a latte is.”
Well it’s time to set the record straight. Here is what your cup of tea says about you:
Black Tea Drinkers
Black tea drinks are usually those who are too poor to afford milk. It tastes awful, and can’t even be salvaged by a sweet biscuit or several scoops of sugar. We understand that you want people to think you’re tough, but do it by wearing leather or riding a motorbike, or, I don’t know, drink a better warm beverage.
White Tea Drinkers
You don’t really like tea or coffee and you just want to drink hot chocolates, but they stopped getting offered to you when you were 16. Your idea of a dash of milk is a 50/50 ratio of milk to tea. This begs the question as to whether you’ve been banned from ShareTea and are just trying to improvise until they welcome you back in stores.
When you’re so busy working on your memoir that you forget to finish that cup, so you make another, but then it’s too hot and you’ve already started on your self-portrait in oil paints, so you forget about yet another cup. This drink is for those people who are too self-important to finish their cup of tea, but not willing to give it up completely.
People who re-heat tea are generally people that I would not get on with. Considering your leaf and hot water brew was already the poor person’s coffee, you’ve just become more of a stooge by reheating it instead of just making a new batch.
Herbal Tea Drinkers
Namaste, friend. I understand you. You thought Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop website was a genuine lifestyle guide. Green tea, however, still tastes like diluted stewed sandals, despite the good it’s doing you via detox. Green tea is for those who believe in antigravity aerial yoga, super berries/kale smoothies and harbour suspicions about glad wrap.
The fruity infusion-ists
Sit down, no one cares about your hot cordial.