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Be Single, Not Lonely: A Guide to Clubbing

So you’re a singleton who is forced to come clubbing with your friends or risk feeling nauseating amounts of FOMO and missing endless opportunities to post photos on Facebook that prove you have a social life.

Now, the assumption is that as a single male, I should enjoy clubbing. It should be my bread and butter to “pick up chicks” and *insert euphemism here that implies I will fornicate with an emotionally vulnerable lady*.

It should be an opportunity to flaunt my masculinity and bravado; prove that I was the triumphant semen among millions from my father’s scrotum that reached the promised land of mummy’s ovaries.

Image courtesy of buzzfeed.com
Image courtesy of buzzfeed.com

Here’s the thing, though: clubbing sucks.

If somebody proposed you get dressed up and blow your Cotton On wage on overpriced alcohol and small talk with cab drivers, you’d be nuts to sign up. I mean, I’d have to fold approximately 500 The Other Crews to be able to afford going out. Yet, I — along with most people — still go clubbing.

Which brings me to my…*drum roll please*… Singleton Guide to Clubbing.

Rule no.1: Have extremely low expectations of making an emotional or physical bond with a stranger. That way, if anything does miraculously eventuate, you have one extra friend on Facebook (and we all know that means one extra ‘like’ on your DP).

#squadgoals
#squadgoals

Rule no.2: Say random stuff that intends on turning people off. Some of the best stories I have from clubbing involve trying to turn people off. Often, it creates attraction and allure…until they realise you are a genuinely weird specimen.

Rule no.3: Do not expect to find your soulmate in a club. Aside from the fact that the term ‘soulmate’ evokes nausea and bile, let’s be honest: we all go clubbing to serve one of our most primal urges. So maybe it’s best to look at clubbing as an opportunity to do just that, rather than get hung up on the fact that you can’t find your Noah Calhoun amongst the seedy, sweaty predators at The Ivy.

clubbing feature image

But this is all coming from a predator himself, so maybe you should take it with a grain — or several — of salt.

’Til next time I hit on you,
John

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About John Seroukas

John Seroukas

Resident current affairs and single-life expert. Biggest commitment to date: regularly updating this blog.

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