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Hashtag Not Even Cool, Bro: Tinder

Hello again and welcome back to the fortnightly segment which literally nobody asked for. That’s right, ‘Hashtag Not Even Cool (Bro)’, for some unfathomable reason, is back for a third instalment so please try to contain your rapidly bulging excitement.

As always before we begin the stirring of some sh*t, I wish happy salutations to my loyal (and non-existent) fan-base of 6.5 people. However, for those uncultured brutes who are unfamiliar with my domestically acclaimed segment, let me introduce this ‘article’ as a CV booster disguised as a pseudo-intellectual satirical statement on our society. Soon you will be witnessing me introduce a trivial trend or subject that is supposedly ‘cool’, which I will then proceed to rage at nonsensically for way too long and for no particularly good reason.

And with all that in I mind, this week’s topic is: Tinder.

‘Love at first swipe,’ the catch-cry of our generation.

In a world where real-life social interactions are now considered overly exhausting and scary. In a time where drunken hook-ups at seedy clubs are deemed too romantic. In a land where love is lost in eternal darkness, there comes a ‘dating’ app designed for people too lazy for all the other dating apps.

                This is basically irrelevant but is definitely worth a watch. 

Introducing, Tinder: A quick and easy tool to meet hot singles in your surrounding area!

Before we continue, I am pretty sure that line sounds like the premise of every advertisement ever displayed on a porn site. Seriously, if that does not show how bad of an idea Tinder actually is, then I do not know what will.

Anyway, since half of the entire world is way too familiar with that aforementioned, highly-educational and well-respected website, whom among this percentage would possibly think an app like Tinder would be a good idea.

A genius that’s who. An absolute bloody stupid genius. Whomever thought of and popularised Tinder has effectively created a cultural icon. An icon which is inherently based on judging the appearance of others typically in the space of three seconds after looking at just one or two photos – which is one of the things we were taught during childhood NOT to do in order to grow into a half-decent human being.

On Tinder, if you like what you see we ‘swipe right’ but if the subject is not worthy then to the left they go, back into obscurity in an environment known as the ‘Reject Pile’. If two people mutually swipe right, then a conversation is started. Simple. Way too simple.

I am certain that handfuls of people have found love on Tinder and to those people I say ‘Mazel tov!’, ‘That’s some good sh*t!’, and other generic expressions of congratulations.

But most people do not use Tinder for that, instead Tinder is generally an avenue to ‘harmlessly’ talk shit like keyboard gladiators and maybe get laid afterwards.

              The art of banter as perfected on Tinder, Credit: buzzfeed.com

Alternatively, Tinder is a means to boost your own self-confidence in accordance with how many people may have ‘swiped right’ and thus entertained the possibility of hooking-up with you. This is often based off how expertly you constructed your display photo which had to be taken from just the right angle to hide that grotesque facial feature you are ashamed of.

But luckily, for those of you that do not find Tinder exciting enough already, there is also Grindr! An even more wondrous ‘swipe-centric’ creation where men can plausibly send dollar signs to other men as a symbol which communicates horniness. These men are typically considered ‘Sugar Daddies’ and like to make it rain, in more ways than one.

What a time to be alive.

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About Andre Nassiri

Andre Nassiri
Andre Nassiri is a International Relations and Journalism student at UNSW. He will primarily be writing for Blitz' sport section whilst simultaneously pursuing a smattering of other topics.

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