As we head towards the sticky end of semester you’re probably looking for a break. A break from all those assignments, tests and forced conversations about how many assignments and tests you have.
Perhaps you’d like to take a few minutes to watch something on Youtube? Maybe you’d like to watch… I don’t know… grainy close-up videos of people popping massive pimples and blackheads? Anyway, here’s every single thing that’s dumb about Carpool Karaoke.
If you haven’t seen Carpool Karaoke, congratulations on avoiding the greatest scourge of the Internet known to man. Each segment follows the same basic formula: James Corden abducts a celebrity and forces them to sing for his entertainment. The celebrity can leave… only once they’ve sung enough songs to fill a to 10-15 minute video.
I get it. I’m hip. I’m with it (see figure 1). Watching people nail all the lyrics to a song is somehow weirdly satisfying. Which is fine I guess, but why do I have to watch James Corden concentrating on remembering words to a song he only just memorized the night before? Like who really knows the words to the new Nick Jonas song?
Figure 1: Deconstructing “it”, at the dawn of the 21st century (Simpson et al, 1994).
Why can’t celebrities stop trying to convince me that they are normal, grounded people? Attracting over 10 million people to watch your commute to work isn’t normal. Even on a good day I can only get about 11 people.
Carpool Karaoke perpetuates this false idea that driving is fun. In all my years (5) of driving not once have I seen Chris Martin hitch-hiking patiently on the side of the road. Not once has Chris Martin then hopped in my car and regaled me with solo renditions of all his hit songs. I mean, there was that one time in Far North Queensland but that doesn’t count. In fact after running a quick phone survey I found that almost no respondents had given Chris Martin a lift in their car (see figure 2).
Figure 2: Proportion of people who have given Chris Martin a lift in their car.
Frankly, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of the lying, I’m tired of the laughing, I’m even tired of a third thing. I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever get the opportunity to drive a carpool made up entirely of members of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I don’t think I could live in a world where there is a possibility that I may never drive Flea, Anthony, Chad and Josh to work.
Seriously guys! I know this may seem like some kind of joke. I know it may seem like I’m just being ironic or I didn’t have enough time to write this properly between mid-semester assessments and delivering pizza for Eagle Boys, Randwick (see figure 3). This isn’t a joke. I’m being serious.
Figure 3: Eagle Boys: Are those guys still in business?
How dare these celebrities pretend that driving is fun? Driving isn’t fun. I would know, I deliver pizza 10 hours a week. Carpool Karaoke isn’t even close to accurately depicting what commuting to and from work is really like. Not once does James Corden mouth off at a taxi for cutting them. Not once does he shake his fist out the window at the taxi driver yelling “learn to use an indicator you bloody flog!” He doesn’t even pull up directly next to the taxi, get out of his car and start berating the driver on the correct etiquette for changing lanes whilst beating their windscreen with Grey Nicholls Gladius’ cricket bat.
I don’t know. Maybe Carpool Karaoke is great, maybe it’s terrible. All I know is that it is one of the two, because this on the Internet so you’re only allowed to really love something or really hate it. So in that case, its the worst thing known to man.