Fighting an uphill battle with genetics? Craving that #goals summer body that will inspire a parade of meaningless hook-ups to come your way? Say no more. Here are some sure-fire and entirely unapproved diets that will having you dropping kilos fast.
The Vegan Diet
Consume only plants and steer clear of all animal products. Make sure that no human is left uninformed of your fascinating and morally superior lifestyle. The sense of superiority that you’ll achieve as a by-product of this diet will make you forget all about the extra kilos. You might even shed a few friends while you’re at it!
The Can-I-Speak-to-Your-Manager Diet
Looking for another way to prevent food from entering your gullet? For this to work, it requires you to crank up your entitlement by 400% and to never admit when you’re at fault. Now just walk into any restaurant and let your unwarranted dissatisfaction run wild. Ensure that your fifteen-year-old waiter quits after escalating the situation out of sheer stubbornness. You’ll be kicked out without having eaten so much as a bite and you’ll be sure to limit your calorie intake. Purely orgasmic!
The All-You-Can-Eat Nihilist Diet
Enjoy your meals with everything a nihilist enjoys in this world: nothing! This diet is a new and improved version of the air diet. You won’t even need to count calories!
The Sleep Dinner Diet
Does the basic science of nutrition boggle your mind? Have some sleep for dinner. Almost unable to make rent after blowing a lifetime of savings on that treadmill that you use as a towel rack? Have some goddamn sleep for dinner. This diet is how sloths keep so thin.
The Vodka Diet
I dare you to find a carb in vodka.
By Garry Lu