Dear Agony Aunt,
I’m new to UNSW and I’m considering going to my first Roundhouse party. I’ve heard that our generation can be really judgemental and I want to fit in and be cool. My mum says that’s very important. Can you help me?
Awkward First Year
Dear Awkward First Year,
I’m glad that you wrote to me because I know how hard it is to fit in at a Roundhouse party. I know how difficult it is when your only friend has gone to the bathroom and left you standing around uncomfortably, or worse still, when you have no friends and have to go by yourself. Survival at Roundhouse parties is an art. Luckily, I’m here to help you by sharing a few tips and tricks on how to thrive at a Roundhouse party.
1. Drink Irresponsibly
This is the moment to unleash your inner idiot, not keep it locked away inside. Cheap or expensive, the drinks aren’t going to drink themselves. You need to be able to find to line between tipsy and drunk, and then speed over it with the determination of a NASCAR driver. If you find yourself closing one eye to focus, then you’re definitely doing the right thing. If people start backing away from you, or looking awkwardly at a spot just above your head, then that just means you’re charming them.
2. Drink Shots
Downing a shot in one go, and then banging the shot glass down and the bar and punching the air is the best way to draw the right kind of attention to yourself. Bonus points for downing more than one in a ten-second period. You are guaranteed to impress. Then, wash it down with another shot #YOLO
3. Mix Your Drinks
Remember: Liquor before beer, all clear. Beer before liquor, makes you sicker. And who doesn’t want to be a sick c*nt? Beer first! Drinking is a sport and we all have our weight-class, and it’s shameful not to punch above your weight. Know your limits, and then blow right past them. Like Superman.
4. Drink Beforehand
Arriving somewhere sober is about as cool as arriving to class on time. Everyone will be drunk when you get there, so if you don’t arrive drunk you’ll be drawing the wrong kind of attention to yourself. Make sure you mix your drinks, too, because variety is the spice of your drunkenness. And none of this “fizzy drink” or “H2O” sh*t, either. Water is for the weak.
5. And Dance, Obviously
Don’t try to blend in with everyone else – that’s for amateurs. Make sure you stand out, and make everyone else awkward about your superior dancing talent. Don’t forget, each and every Roundhouse party is THE most important night of your life, so being basic will not stand. If you get tired, then pound a Vodka Red Bull and keep going. Stopping is NEVER an option.
See you at the next Roundhouse shindig. You’ll be the ultra-cool one fending off the ladies!
xoxo Agony Aunt